Breeze over the Mountains 2024

By the Columnist: FAN

It has been 18 years since I wanted to learn Japanese. My Japanese level cannot be said to be bad, but it is still far from being able to communicate freely. Obviously I am interested in Japanese, and I also considered Japan when I was studying for a master’s degree. However, before letting others feel my thoughts, I will always use strange reasons to deny my own ideas. Accept that life is routine and has a clear purpose. If you have any fresh ideas, you must find a “mature” reason to suppress them. The university application choices are like this, “I don’t understand”, so it’s better not to participate. After working for two years, I didn’t want to be formatted in the system, and I seemed to have chosen the road less traveled by valiantly. In fact, I knew it in my heart. I am studying for a Ph.D., and there is a high probability that my peers will think I am smart, and my elders will think I have pursuits. It’s just that it’s been 15 years since I started studying finance. Even though I knew I didn’t like finance in the first year, I still had to hypnotize myself. I have been interested in learning Japanese for so long, but I am still at the level of a layman.

This is my comfort zone. I try to achieve perfect results from the outside world, hide my inner self, and comfort myself that at least I still have a dream. But time flies by so fast, and I don’t have to wait until ninety years later when the world will be without me. The days when I can really move freely without being tied down are actually fleeting. If the inner garden is kept hidden, it will be washed away by time without leaving any trace, as if it never existed. Maybe in the end, all I know about myself is what I pretend to recognize. It seems to be mine, but it is actually someone else’s life. It’s really hard to get off the track. It’s like a virus program has been implanted in my mind. Everything I look at is based on standards and formats, and I worry about results and evaluation in everything I do. The wind of the free wilderness that occasionally passes by makes me yearn for it. I am really curious about my world.

I don’t know when I can embrace the wind in the wilderness. I just want to remind myself that the track is endless and that other people’s expectations are actually my own projections. All I want to break free from is the mental prison of my past self. Every second is actually new, and people with old maps cannot reach the present. The short-term happiness I try to get from consumption has disappeared the moment the item belongs to me. After all, what I need is not the item itself, but the happiness that I can have something. Let the complicated thoughts become simpler, treat yourself like others, no need to fight, no need to work hard, no need to become anything. Start with whatever comes to mind, be honest with your body and soul, and allow yourself to be more present.

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从想学日语到现在已经有18年了，日语水平不能说差，但是和可以自由交流还离得很远。明明感兴趣的是日语，读硕士的时候也考虑过日本，却总是在让他人感受到自己的想法之前，就会用奇妙的理由否定自我生长出来的念头。接受了生活是制式的，带有明确目的的。有什么新鲜的想法，也一定要找一个”成熟”的理由来压抑。大学报考志愿是这样，“我又不了解”，还是不参与的好。工作了两年以后，不想在系统里被格式化，好像飒爽的选择少有人走的路，其实心里清楚得，很读博士嘛，大概率同龄人看我聪明，长辈觉得我有追求。只是从学习金融开始到现在都15年了，明明第一年就知道不喜欢金融，还是要催眠自己。感兴趣的日语学了这么久，还在门外汉的水平徘徊。

这就是我的舒适区吧，把外界的，强制的做到满分，把内心的，自我的隐藏起来，安慰自己至少我还有梦。可是时间过得这么快，不用等九十年以后世界没有我，真的可以自由活动的不受牵绊的日子其实白驹过隙。内心的花园如果一直隐藏，就会在时间冲刷下不留痕迹，仿佛没有存在过。可能最后我对自己的认知都只有我假装认可，看似是我的，其实是别人的一生。走出轨道真的好难，脑子里像被植入病毒程序一般，看什么都是规范，格式，做什么都担心成果，评价。偶尔擦肩而过的自由旷野的风让我心生向往，真的好好奇我只是我的世界。

不知道何时能与旷野的风拥抱，只是想提醒自己轨道是走不完的，他人的期待其实是自己的投射。我要挣脱的只有过去的自己的思想牢笼。每一秒其实都是新的，带着旧地图的人无法抵达现在。尝试用消费获得的短暂快乐在物品属于我的那一刻就已经消失了，毕竟我需要的不是物品本身，只是我能拥有点什么的快乐。让复杂纷繁的念头变得简单些，待自己如他人，不用拼搏，不用努力，不用成为什么。想到什么就开始，对身体和心灵的诚实，让自己更加具象地存在。